Don't bother watching anything before the 2:50 mark, but the rest of this is hilarious. There's one cuss word toward the end, sounds similar to "bar stool."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bpuCVPVXoA
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Dumb quotes by athletes or dumb athlete quotes?
Here's a link to 35 fairly humorous stupid things said by famous athletes:
http://community.comcast.net/comcastportal/blog/article?message.uid=797059
I don't recall anything objectionable at this link. Just stupid jocks proving how much they deserve the millions of dollars Americans pay them. The best are 2, 4-6, 8,9, 13,15,18, 21-28, and 31. In other words, just read the whole list. It'll brighten your day, even if you know nothing about sports.
http://community.comcast.net/comcastportal/blog/article?message.uid=797059
I don't recall anything objectionable at this link. Just stupid jocks proving how much they deserve the millions of dollars Americans pay them. The best are 2, 4-6, 8,9, 13,15,18, 21-28, and 31. In other words, just read the whole list. It'll brighten your day, even if you know nothing about sports.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
It's official...
I recently found out that I'm a business. It just kind of snuck (sneaked for you purists) up on me, but I'm a business nonetheless. In an effort to pad my income without enslaving myself to another boss (earthly master), I've taken on a couple cleaning projects. One is helping to do set up and cleaning for my church; the other involves cleaning windows, mirrors, etc. at Samaritan Ministries. Because Samaritan also employs me in a different capacity, some dude who likes to call himself "Fritz" and insists that he's an accountant there has asked me to name my cleaning business for legal purposes. Apparently doing so decreases the likelihood of Samaritan getting accused of doing anything improper, which it's not. Being a team player, I'm all about doing my part to keep the government from storming our compound...uh facility.
I haven't come up with a name yet, so feel free to make suggestions. I prefer to avoid the word "contracting" to prevent confusion over exactly what type of "messes" I "clean." This, however, doesn't necessarily rule out contracting to old Italian guys named Fat Tony under the right circumstances. Other than not using the word "contracting," I'm open to almost all other non-evil suggestions. Maybe I'll go with "Boll--the lesser of two 'evils." Yes, I know that's a rip off, but why not name such a legitimate, serious, all-business business as mine after a stolen joke?
Oh well, in order to pay homage to my nameless cleaning entity, here's the Top 10 Things that Rock about Being My Own Business:
1) I'm employee of the month this month, and my chances of being employee of the month next month are looking really good.
2) Sexual harassment lawsuits are easy to settle since I'm my only employee.
3) I don't have to share a company car.
4) My business is ISO-9000 certified. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm pretty sure it's true.
5) If labor costs become too expensive, I'm the one who decides when it's time to turn to cheap Mexican labor.
6) Strategic meetings can take place while I'm using the can.
7) Balloon-doggy Thursday was my call.
8) Dress code conforms to whatever I'm wearing when I roll out of bed.
9) Less temptation to cook the books since I can barely tolerate cooking supper for myself.
10) Don't have to listen to anyone griping if I decide to base my managerial style on that of the Pointy-Haired Boss from Dilbert comics.
I haven't come up with a name yet, so feel free to make suggestions. I prefer to avoid the word "contracting" to prevent confusion over exactly what type of "messes" I "clean." This, however, doesn't necessarily rule out contracting to old Italian guys named Fat Tony under the right circumstances. Other than not using the word "contracting," I'm open to almost all other non-evil suggestions. Maybe I'll go with "Boll--the lesser of two 'evils." Yes, I know that's a rip off, but why not name such a legitimate, serious, all-business business as mine after a stolen joke?
Oh well, in order to pay homage to my nameless cleaning entity, here's the Top 10 Things that Rock about Being My Own Business:
1) I'm employee of the month this month, and my chances of being employee of the month next month are looking really good.
2) Sexual harassment lawsuits are easy to settle since I'm my only employee.
3) I don't have to share a company car.
4) My business is ISO-9000 certified. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm pretty sure it's true.
5) If labor costs become too expensive, I'm the one who decides when it's time to turn to cheap Mexican labor.
6) Strategic meetings can take place while I'm using the can.
7) Balloon-doggy Thursday was my call.
8) Dress code conforms to whatever I'm wearing when I roll out of bed.
9) Less temptation to cook the books since I can barely tolerate cooking supper for myself.
10) Don't have to listen to anyone griping if I decide to base my managerial style on that of the Pointy-Haired Boss from Dilbert comics.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Musings on Rebuilding the Pirates
I've been a Pittsburgh Pirates fan for at least 20 years...yeah, please shoot me.
I grew up in Northwest PA, and while I was a young boy, the Buccos easily captured my heart by being one of the best teams in baseball at the time. Unfortunately, the glory that was the Pirates of my youth has been swept away forever thanks to fourteen straight years of absolute inepitude. Yep, the Pirates haven't had a winning season in fourteen years! 14...ugh!!! During that span the Bucs haven't just been bad, they've been so wretched that they're easily the butt of all baseball jokes. To honor my beloved losers for displaying such utter inability concerning every facet of both running a franchise and playing baseball, I have written an account of what I imagine the near future to be like now that the Pirates just fired their GM Dave Littlefield and Coach Jim Tracy as they embark on yet another "rebuilding" phase:
------------------
First, here's the setting. It's after the 2010 season. The Pirates just completed their sixteenth consecutive losing season, and in order to quell the unruly lynch mob that showed up at his house, principle owner Bob Nutting has decided to replace GM Neal Huntington and the trained donkey that was their coach in order to once again shift blame away from himself for the Pirates' awfulness. We're at the press conference to announce their new GM and coach, men specifically chosen for their ties to the Pirates' past and their unique vision on how to bring a winning attitude back to Pittsburgh:
Owner Bob Spend-Nutting: Today, I'm pleased to announce the hiring of two men who will undoubtedly restore this Pirates franchise to their winning ways of yesteryear. First, to fill the position of GM, let me introduce former outfielder Derek Bell.
[Loud gasp from reporters, followed by stunned silence...]
Reporter: Mr, Nutting...in all due respect, are you a lunatic? What exactly do you think Mr. Bell can bring to this franchise? This is the same Derek Bell whom the Pirates paid $9 million to bat .173. The same Derek Bell who then said that he was going into Operation Shutdown even though he was only batting .173 because competing for a starting spot was beneath him. Couldn't you have just promoted the trained donkey?
Owner Bob Spend-Nutting: That's an unfair characterization of Derek. Sure, Derek under-performed a little as a player, but still his .173 average is better than anybody on our roster had last season. Our players think of Derek as a superstar, and I feel that he'll be a good rolemodel for them. Additionally, when it comes to scouting, who better to recognize new talent than old talent. And, when it comes to handling the economic side of our team, nobody out there knows better how to spend the Pirates' money.
Reporter: Aren't you afraid of Derek Bell going back into Operation Shutdown?
Owner Bob Spend-Nutting: Actually, this was the deciding factor in why I chose to make Derek Bell our new GM. You see, Operation Shutdown wasn't Derek Bell's idea. Operation Shutdown has been the Pirates' business model for as long as I have owned this franchise. Derek's familiarity with how I like to run things means that he's the perfect man to make our everyday baseball decisions.
Reporter: This question is for Mr. Bell. Is there any truth to the rumor that the Pirates are trying to sign cRapper Kevin Federline to a baseball contract?
Mr. Shutdown: [angry, intense tone] Operation Shutdown time! No comment!!!
Owner Bob Spend-Nutting: As those who are the shizzle within the rap industry like to say, "Derek has his mind on his money, while his money is on his mind." Always thinkin' of how to best spend the Pirates money. Fah real, yo.
Since Derek is obviously too pre-occupied with running the Pirates to answer, yet me explain where we're at with the K-Fed negotiations. The rumors are indeed fact. Yes, the Pirates were interested in signing Kevin Federline, but we recently pulled our offer off the table. K-Fed was ready to sign with us, but we decided that he wasn't a good fit after all. The problem isn't really with K-Fed, though. You see, we feel that our players would play better if there was a hot wife hanging around the locker room to motivate them. Ever since we traded away pitcher Kris Benson and his glorified-Hooters-restaurant-waitress-of-a-wife Anna, no women have set foot near our team. We thought that signing K-Fed would supply the missing hot wife needed to motivate our players. Then, we found out that K-Fed is a divorced white rapper with no hope of ever again marrying. Plus, even if his meal ticket, Britney Spears, hadn't left him...have you seen Britney lately? If the trained donkey we had coaching the team last season didn't motivate our players, there's no way that they'd respond to Britney. We'll be going without the hot-wife factor once again this season.
Reporter: Okay, Mr. Nutting, surely your choice for a coach couldn't be any worse. Please tell us who you've chosen to replace the donkey?
Owner Bob Spend-Nutting: I'm glad you asked. I'm pleased to introduce the new skipper of the Pirates, former third baseman and Pirates' legend...Wally Backman!
[Amongst boos and hisses from the audience, Wally Backman stumbles to the stage and pulls out a flask from his pocket.]
Wally "Drunken" Backman: Mice to neet you, everybody! Glug, glug, glug...
Owner Bob Spend-Nutting: I recently ran into Wally at a bar. I couldn't fully understand him, but he kept screaming, "Where am I, where am I?" I took this as a sign. I know that Wally is a controversial hiring, but with a rebuilding team such as ours, we really need a manager with a short memory. You can't live in past defeats. The only way to become better is to focus on the present and ways to be better right now. I am also impressed by the fire and toughness that Wally Backman shows in everyday life. I said to myself, "Now there's a winner," when I saw the spunk he showed when he challenged the bargirl to a fist fight after she asked him to leave. We need that type of intensity if we're going to win.
Reporter: Mr. Backman...no Mr. Backman, I'm over here. Have you given any thought to what your opening day roster might look like this season?
Wally "Drunken" Backman: Glug, glug, glug...burp. Pink elephants or the dancing bears? Glug, glug, glug...
Reporter: Umm...what are you talking about?
Wally "Drunken" Backman: Glug, glug, glug...
Reporter: Okay, Mr. Backman...if you haven't thought about your roster, could you at least give us your opinion on the rumors that the Pirates are considering re-acquiring catcher Jason Kendell? He's 38 years old, hasn't thrown out a runner in two years, and had five hits last season. Yet, I've heard that the Pirates are trying to bring him back and are planning to sign him to a ten-year, $160 million extension. What role do you see Jason Kendell playing on your roster?
Wally "Drunken" Backman: Glug, glug, glug...he'll bat after the pink elephants. Thump! [Wally "Drunken" Backman passes out.]
Owner Bob Spend-Nutting: It looks like it's time for all of us to go into Operation Shutdown, so let's bring this press conference to a close. Just a reminder, please remember to tell all your friends to spend lots of money on the Pirates this year. We're finally going to be good [wink, wink]. Go Buccos!
---------------
Yes, indeed: Go Buccos!
I grew up in Northwest PA, and while I was a young boy, the Buccos easily captured my heart by being one of the best teams in baseball at the time. Unfortunately, the glory that was the Pirates of my youth has been swept away forever thanks to fourteen straight years of absolute inepitude. Yep, the Pirates haven't had a winning season in fourteen years! 14...ugh!!! During that span the Bucs haven't just been bad, they've been so wretched that they're easily the butt of all baseball jokes. To honor my beloved losers for displaying such utter inability concerning every facet of both running a franchise and playing baseball, I have written an account of what I imagine the near future to be like now that the Pirates just fired their GM Dave Littlefield and Coach Jim Tracy as they embark on yet another "rebuilding" phase:
------------------
First, here's the setting. It's after the 2010 season. The Pirates just completed their sixteenth consecutive losing season, and in order to quell the unruly lynch mob that showed up at his house, principle owner Bob Nutting has decided to replace GM Neal Huntington and the trained donkey that was their coach in order to once again shift blame away from himself for the Pirates' awfulness. We're at the press conference to announce their new GM and coach, men specifically chosen for their ties to the Pirates' past and their unique vision on how to bring a winning attitude back to Pittsburgh:
Owner Bob Spend-Nutting: Today, I'm pleased to announce the hiring of two men who will undoubtedly restore this Pirates franchise to their winning ways of yesteryear. First, to fill the position of GM, let me introduce former outfielder Derek Bell.
[Loud gasp from reporters, followed by stunned silence...]
Reporter: Mr, Nutting...in all due respect, are you a lunatic? What exactly do you think Mr. Bell can bring to this franchise? This is the same Derek Bell whom the Pirates paid $9 million to bat .173. The same Derek Bell who then said that he was going into Operation Shutdown even though he was only batting .173 because competing for a starting spot was beneath him. Couldn't you have just promoted the trained donkey?
Owner Bob Spend-Nutting: That's an unfair characterization of Derek. Sure, Derek under-performed a little as a player, but still his .173 average is better than anybody on our roster had last season. Our players think of Derek as a superstar, and I feel that he'll be a good rolemodel for them. Additionally, when it comes to scouting, who better to recognize new talent than old talent. And, when it comes to handling the economic side of our team, nobody out there knows better how to spend the Pirates' money.
Reporter: Aren't you afraid of Derek Bell going back into Operation Shutdown?
Owner Bob Spend-Nutting: Actually, this was the deciding factor in why I chose to make Derek Bell our new GM. You see, Operation Shutdown wasn't Derek Bell's idea. Operation Shutdown has been the Pirates' business model for as long as I have owned this franchise. Derek's familiarity with how I like to run things means that he's the perfect man to make our everyday baseball decisions.
Reporter: This question is for Mr. Bell. Is there any truth to the rumor that the Pirates are trying to sign cRapper Kevin Federline to a baseball contract?
Mr. Shutdown: [angry, intense tone] Operation Shutdown time! No comment!!!
Owner Bob Spend-Nutting: As those who are the shizzle within the rap industry like to say, "Derek has his mind on his money, while his money is on his mind." Always thinkin' of how to best spend the Pirates money. Fah real, yo.
Since Derek is obviously too pre-occupied with running the Pirates to answer, yet me explain where we're at with the K-Fed negotiations. The rumors are indeed fact. Yes, the Pirates were interested in signing Kevin Federline, but we recently pulled our offer off the table. K-Fed was ready to sign with us, but we decided that he wasn't a good fit after all. The problem isn't really with K-Fed, though. You see, we feel that our players would play better if there was a hot wife hanging around the locker room to motivate them. Ever since we traded away pitcher Kris Benson and his glorified-Hooters-restaurant-waitress-of-a-wife Anna, no women have set foot near our team. We thought that signing K-Fed would supply the missing hot wife needed to motivate our players. Then, we found out that K-Fed is a divorced white rapper with no hope of ever again marrying. Plus, even if his meal ticket, Britney Spears, hadn't left him...have you seen Britney lately? If the trained donkey we had coaching the team last season didn't motivate our players, there's no way that they'd respond to Britney. We'll be going without the hot-wife factor once again this season.
Reporter: Okay, Mr. Nutting, surely your choice for a coach couldn't be any worse. Please tell us who you've chosen to replace the donkey?
Owner Bob Spend-Nutting: I'm glad you asked. I'm pleased to introduce the new skipper of the Pirates, former third baseman and Pirates' legend...Wally Backman!
[Amongst boos and hisses from the audience, Wally Backman stumbles to the stage and pulls out a flask from his pocket.]
Wally "Drunken" Backman: Mice to neet you, everybody! Glug, glug, glug...
Owner Bob Spend-Nutting: I recently ran into Wally at a bar. I couldn't fully understand him, but he kept screaming, "Where am I, where am I?" I took this as a sign. I know that Wally is a controversial hiring, but with a rebuilding team such as ours, we really need a manager with a short memory. You can't live in past defeats. The only way to become better is to focus on the present and ways to be better right now. I am also impressed by the fire and toughness that Wally Backman shows in everyday life. I said to myself, "Now there's a winner," when I saw the spunk he showed when he challenged the bargirl to a fist fight after she asked him to leave. We need that type of intensity if we're going to win.
Reporter: Mr. Backman...no Mr. Backman, I'm over here. Have you given any thought to what your opening day roster might look like this season?
Wally "Drunken" Backman: Glug, glug, glug...burp. Pink elephants or the dancing bears? Glug, glug, glug...
Reporter: Umm...what are you talking about?
Wally "Drunken" Backman: Glug, glug, glug...
Reporter: Okay, Mr. Backman...if you haven't thought about your roster, could you at least give us your opinion on the rumors that the Pirates are considering re-acquiring catcher Jason Kendell? He's 38 years old, hasn't thrown out a runner in two years, and had five hits last season. Yet, I've heard that the Pirates are trying to bring him back and are planning to sign him to a ten-year, $160 million extension. What role do you see Jason Kendell playing on your roster?
Wally "Drunken" Backman: Glug, glug, glug...he'll bat after the pink elephants. Thump! [Wally "Drunken" Backman passes out.]
Owner Bob Spend-Nutting: It looks like it's time for all of us to go into Operation Shutdown, so let's bring this press conference to a close. Just a reminder, please remember to tell all your friends to spend lots of money on the Pirates this year. We're finally going to be good [wink, wink]. Go Buccos!
---------------
Yes, indeed: Go Buccos!
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